Office of the Depatment of Utterly Moronic Behavior

We at D.U.M.B bring you this feature which will present articles and commentary regarding the continuing efforts of the politicians, scientists, and religious leaders [the Triad of Futility] to baffle us with their brilliance. There is a nearly endless stream of material available for this feature, what with the Triad constantly having to spin something on a daily basis. We here at the Office will do our best to keep you informed on as much idiocy and mayhem as possible. Your contributions are always welcome, too.

Futility comes in many forms. There’s the kind where you’ve examined all your options and there is only one remaining conclusion, which usually sucks. There’s the Big Picture Futility, which includes the inevitability of your own demise and your relative worth in an endless universe. Then there’s the Gnat In Your Ear futility, like when a city council enacts a law.

These are those stories.

A perfect example of this occurred in Huntington Beach, CA in 2008. It seems that there had been a citizen of that fine city who happened to be a naturist. He was neither lewd nor lascivious. He was just naked. In his house or puttering around the yard, the man posed no threat to anyone. But, neighbors complained that they didn’t want little Tyler and Emily to learn about the differences between boys and girls in this particular manner. So, they called the police. Repeatedly. Finally, out of frustration at being constantly harassed, the man moved out of the city. That was in 2006. Two years later, the Chief of Police convinced the city council to enact an ordinance banning nudity. Even though there had not been another such incident, and the locals weren’t wandering around the streets in all their naked glory, the city council passed the ordinance. It was now officially illegal to do what folks hadn’t been doing in the first place.

But, they didn’t stop there. In a move that can only be described as heterosexist, thongs were exempt. The Huntington Beach city council legally codified thongs, those “garments” that are comprised of a camel toe sock attached by anal floss coupled to a top that is essentially two nipple covers on a string, as perfectly acceptable. I guess that means that assless chaps are ok, too. But I doubt it.