PSA: Porn Makes You Gay

This past weekend saw an event called the Values Voter Summit and it featured most if not all of the potential Republican presidential hopefuls. During this conference, there was a "break out session" which featured Mike Schwartz who is the Chief of Staff to Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK) and he had this to say:

"All pornography is homosexual pornography because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards. Now think about that. And if you, if you tell an 11-year old boy about that, do you think he going to want to go out and get a copy of Playboy? I'm pretty sure he'll lose interest. That's the last thing he wants."

This is absurd on so many levels. Let's start with the question, "Where does an 11-year boy 'go out to' to get a Playboy magazine?" Chances are, he pulled it out from between the matress and box springs of his Dad's bed. Are you the Christian father who wants to try to reconcile that argument with your 11-year old son? "Dad, if reading Playboy makes me gay, are you, too?"

Playboy, along with all adult fare, is not exactly easily obtainable by the pre-teen set except from within the home, or a heathen friend's home. So, then Bobby goes over to Tommy's house to look at Tommy's dad's Playboys and asks Tommy's dad the same question. You think Tommy's Dad might make a call to Bobby's Dad? Probably.

All pornography is homosexual pornography because it turns your sex drive inwards? That would make it monosexuality, wouldn't it? If Playboy makes you want to have sex with yourself, then how does that make you homosexual?

What about lesbians? One could presume that Playboy would, in fact, cause a lesbian-leaning 11-year old girl to strap on a tool belt and start fixing the dishwasher. Applying Mr. Schwartz' logic-deprived theory to this argument, Playgirl would turn little girls into lesbians. Which means that all pornography makes girls homosexual. It's a wonder there are any straight women at all.

Here's some more of what Mr. Schwartz had to say:

"It's been a few years, not that many, since I was closely associated with pre-adolescent boys, boys who are like 10 to 12 years of age." Really? "Closely associated"means what, exactly? I'm going to take a slightly higher road here and assume that you were a Sunday school teacher to that age group and not the scary guy on the corner. He goes on to say, "But it is my observation that boys at that age have less tolerance for homosexuality than just about any other class of people. That's beacause they don't want to be that way. They don't want to fall into it. And that's a good instinct."

Boys at that age are mimicing what they've been told. They have no clear understanding of the question. So, publically and to the adults in the room, they will answer accordingly. Reality is that all children are naturally curious about sex of all types, and are more likely to experiment with different kinds when told it's a bad thing. It's part of human nature. Don't tell me I can't or shouldn't do something and if it's so bad, what about Uncle Larry? Or Father Mike?

No one and nothing has the power to "make someone gay", Mr. Schwartz. Trust me, I wish it did. There are thousands of guys I wish I could convert, even for an hour, to our side. But the truth you so blindly ignore is that this world is comprised of many different types of people who, according to your own faith, are all children of God. And there really is no choice of one's sexuality beyond accepting or rejecting it.

So tell me, if it's okay with God, why isn't it okay with you? I wonder if God appreciates your efforts to usurp his authority.

The President's Speech: Official Hamster Response

My Fellow Hamsters,

After listening to the President's speech tonight, and whiling away the hours between it's end and the beginning of this post listening to the talking heads and politicians on MSNBC and (gasp!) Fox, it is time for me to compose the Official Response of the Hamster Nation. I know that you have been spending the evening since the speech at your computer waiting for this analysis, and I apologize if I have kept you up past your bedtime. I just needed to do a little research first. So, nuke a cup of coffee, turn the lights down low, and let's just get it done.

Tonight, he was President Muhammad Ali. He was poetic and threw enough left jabs and right uppercuts to make even The Greatest proud. He knew the song we wanted to hear, and he sang it beautifully. He denounced the fringe and the party that supports and inflames them. He reminded the Democrats that they were still the other party, and the one in power, and that this was to be done now. He basically called all the kids in the sandbox together and told them to play nice or else.

Tonight, the Republican Party showed it's true colors. I was appalled at the disrespect shown to the President of the United States. Eric Cantor thought texting more important an activity than listening to the President detailing THE issue on the table. The whole, albeit small, group sat stoically in their seats, rising only to applaud tort reform, looking all grim and smug. Just say no, fellas, and stay on the wrong side of history. He told you tonight, get on board or get out of the way.

And Congressman Wilson from South Carolina, you have no right to remain in office. Your behavior by yelling that the President of the United States was a liar is cause enough for you to resign your seat immediately. In this writer's opinion, you have proven yourself a detriment to this country and to your constituents. There is no excuse for your behavior especially given the fact that you have been lying all along by supporting the Death Panel garbage. Resignation is far easier, quicker, and less costly than impeachment.

And he told the Democrats they are their own worst enemy and to get on the same page. Screw the Republicans and let's get this done. It's what we elected them to do, and there is no reason not to. Get it on the table before they know what hit them. And it had better have every element that I want in it. As Jean Luc Picard would say, "Make it so." (That was for you, Honey).

And he told us in completely transparent terms what we can expect and demystified the plan. He finally told us, told Congress what we've wanted him to say: it's a moral imperative. That what we do to ourselves by feeding off of each other is destroying this country. I just recently decided to stop being a Realtor because what I saw in that process made me sick. Humanity has been reduced to me-ism and economic greed-ism. The health and well-being of our citizens is not a profit motive...or shouldn't be.

He threw the insurance industry enough rope to either pull themselves in or hang themselves. He practically begged them to come to the table and bring something tangible to the debate. Pharma did. The American Hospital Association did. They've already pledged more that $300 billion dollars towards reforms in cutting prices, improving delivery, and cutting costs. The American Medical Association is on board and working on tort reform, cost cutting, and improved medical care. He told them tonight, there are 30 million customers out there for you to come and get, figure out a way to get them in a way that we can all live with. You'll actually make more money if you have more customers even if some of them are paying less.

Could we also get a freeze on premium increases? Just saying. A hundred and seventeen percent is a lot. Really rather not pay you that until I see if you're actually going to step up here and do the right thing. This is actually your mess. You should be cleaning it up. You believe that you are immune because you feel we have no choice. Like the oil companies and gas price manipulation. You all feel like you don't need us as much as we need you.

You're right, of course, but that doesn't make you right for doing it. Don't you get it? We're fucking broke! The overwhelming majority of the people in this country...that would be us, the hamsters...are existing paycheck to paycheck and just don't have anymore to give. You won, already. Stop piling on. UNCLE!

He's not going to get mandated insurance coverage because it isn't possible. Where the argument goes astray in saying that the bill will not extend these benefits to illegal aliens, it doesn't have to. They have free health care, along with anyone else who is indigent, just by going to the emergency room. You cannot ask people to purchase insurance that they didn't need before and still give it away to people who, arguably, shouldn't be entitled to it. If they do not change their ways, we will all have free health care. I don't think that's what they want, really.

Big business does not want the government interfering in its affairs. A really good way to get the government off your back is to do as it asks, which is help us help you help the American people. Because this issue cannot be about who's right anymore. It has to be about what's right. And what's right in this case is; If it's good for the geese, it's good for the hamsters. Ladies and Gentlemen of the House and Senate, I'd like your insurance, please. Why am I, your boss, not entitled to the same quality insurance as you, my employee?

I'm just saying. Thanks for tuning in, and your comments are welcome. Please feel free to share with anyone. Good luck, and for crissakes stay well.

Hamster Prez